Newsletter - March 2018 - Restaurant Reviews

Hello newsletter people! And also, welcome to the new joiners who signed up at my shows in London and Leicester! Hope you enjoyed the show. Before I jump into anything: tickets are on sale now for my show at Brighton fringe (24-26 May), please come if you live around that area! And as always I have gigs at other clubs on my site. And will be doing my first weekend at the London Comedy Store March 22-24. Exciting!

What a crazy week it’s been! Two storms hit the UK - Storm Emma and the Beast from the East (which will be my porn name if I ever pursue that field). With all the train delays and motorway closures I think the snow has wiped out half the British economy, but I find it’s also created so many more opportunities for small talk.

Oh recently I’ve started talking about this Malaysian restaurant that’s been getting horrible reviews in my set and I’ve gotten people asking me if it’s real. It is! Here’s a screenshot of some of the reviews:

This was where I discovered my different sensibilities as someone from Asia. I care the most about the food, everything else is secondary. So I read the reviews and went ok, but can someone review the food please? I know there are mice. I know it smells fishy. But was the food any good? Why review the toilets and the animals? You’re missing the point! Honestly if you told me a restaurant had amazing food, but I might have to put up with a mouse or two, I would probably still go. In Malaysia mice is how you gauge the quality of a restaurant. If you’re still in business even with rodents scurrying around, you know you have a Michelin star restaurant on your hands.

So many reviews complaining about mice! So Artur and Pin saw a mouse, left immediately, but still gave the restaurant 2 stars? Why 2 stars? If you were grossed out by a mouse surely you would’ve left the minimum 1 star review. What was the redeeming factor that made you give them an extra star? Was the mouse adorable? Did you enjoy the film Ratatouille?

Another fun story that made me chuckle recently:

If you run an Asian country, DO NOT fuck with rice. Everyone there owns rice cookers. (Yes, a rice cooker - my mother would NEVER make rice in a saucepan.) Most of us haven’t even heard about quinoa. He tried to remedy the situation by saying he’s eating quinoa for health reasons. But quinoa is also 30x the price in Malaysia. So saying you only eat quinoa now to stay healthy is basically saying, “you’re poor? Well enjoy feeding yourself poison! I, on the other hand, will be enjoying my nice Peruvian grain.”

Which reminds me, I do need to get a rice cooker for myself. I got myself a slow cooker that arrogantly bills itself as a multipurpose tool that’s also rice cooker but it can’t make rice to an Asian standard, not even close. Another time when I really wanted to get a rice cooker my wife and I got seduced by a shiny Le Creuset and we bought that instead. That’s what I’ll be getting myself for my birthday - a rice cooker. What would you like for your birthday present, Nigel? To not eat Uncle Ben’s instant rice anymore. No longer will I eat rice from a pouch! Oh god WHAT AN ABOMINATION. Every time I microwave Uncle Ben’s instant rice I can feel the disapproval of my ancestors. Respect the grain, people.


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