Newsletter - May 2018 - Butlin's and Self-driving cars

Hello newsletter people and new joiners to the list, welcome!

If you want to come see me work on some new and old things, got a few solo shows coming up:

Do come if you’re around! If you’d rather see me at clubs, I have more dates here.

I’ve been thinking about self-driving cars a lot lately, mainly because of all the crashing they’ve been doing. As a comic who drives up and down the country, I used to be so excited for this new technology, and it’s a shame they can’t get it right yet. Tesla and the other self-driving car companies say they’ll roll out updates to make their technology better. But who even updates their computers? I don’t want to die because I clicked “remind me later” too many times. These crashes all happened in developed countries where people are civilized while driving. What will happen if you put a self-driving car in Asia? Where people DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. Rules? What rules? Where people view traffic lights and roundabouts as more of an optional guidance kind of thing. The robot car is going to lose its shit! Can it even recognize what rickshaws are?

Once, while driving in Asia, some guy on a motorcycle gave me the finger. And I saw that he had four kids sitting behind him. Man, I must have really pissed him off. I had so many questions! Why are you so angry? Did you start out with five kids? Did you lose one along the way? Why not take the bus?

I think that’s where the stereotype of Asians being bad drivers comes from. We’re not worse - it’s just a different driving culture. Transport a Western person to Asia and make him drive there. We’ll think HE’S the shit one! What? Are you giving way to people crossing the road? They’re taking advantage of your generosity, mate. You’ll be stuck there for the next 5 days. “Please let me exit this junction, I just want to see my family!”

I got to spend two weeks in America last month, had lots of fun seeing old friends in Chicago. I lived in the US for 5 years and you know what I missed the most? Portion sizes! I couldn’t even finish a single meal there! Everything was HUUGE. Pancakes? Here, have 15 of them! Tapas? What’s that? Small plates? We don’t do that over here. Get right out with your small plates business. Sharing food with your friends? We’ll have none of that commie European bullshit. I chatted to a guy at a coffee shop and when I told him I live in London, he went, “oh London huh? London, England or London, Kentucky?” Er… How about default London? The first London that comes to mind. Why would you name a town after a way better town it can never live up to? That’d be like me naming my kid Bruce Lee. And then going, “Oh you a fan of Bruce Lee huh? Enter the Dragon Bruce Lee? Or this kid drooling on his shirt Bruce Lee?”

I had a great time there, flew back, only to die horribly at a gig at a Butlin’s (Britain’s worst holiday resort). I think there are just some people in the UK I’ll never be able to entertain. That’s a story for another time. I’m working on material about that one Butlin’s gig so come check out a show if you want to hear what went down. I’m happy to still be alive.


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