Newsletter - May 2018 - Butlin's and Self-driving cars

Hello newsletter people and new joiners to the list, welcome!

If you want to come see me work on some new and old things, got a few solo shows coming up:

Do come if you’re around! If you’d rather see me at clubs, I have more dates here.

I’ve been thinking about self-driving cars a lot lately, mainly because of all the crashing they’ve been doing. As a comic who drives up and down the country, I used to be so excited for this new technology, and it’s a shame they can’t get it right yet. Tesla and the other self-driving car companies say they’ll roll out updates to make their technology better. But who even updates their computers? I don’t want to die because I clicked “remind me later” too many times. These crashes all happened in developed countries where people are civilized while driving. What will happen if you put a self-driving car in Asia? Where people DO NOT GIVE A FUCK. Rules? What rules? Where people view traffic lights and roundabouts as more of an optional guidance kind of thing. The robot car is going to lose its shit! Can it even recognize what rickshaws are?

Once, while driving in Asia, some guy on a motorcycle gave me the finger. And I saw that he had four kids sitting behind him. Man, I must have really pissed him off. I had so many questions! Why are you so angry? Did you start out with five kids? Did you lose one along the way? Why not take the bus?

I think that’s where the stereotype of Asians being bad drivers comes from. We’re not worse - it’s just a different driving culture. Transport a Western person to Asia and make him drive there. We’ll think HE’S the shit one! What? Are you giving way to people crossing the road? They’re taking advantage of your generosity, mate. You’ll be stuck there for the next 5 days. “Please let me exit this junction, I just want to see my family!”

I got to spend two weeks in America last month, had lots of fun seeing old friends in Chicago. I lived in the US for 5 years and you know what I missed the most? Portion sizes! I couldn’t even finish a single meal there! Everything was HUUGE. Pancakes? Here, have 15 of them! Tapas? What’s that? Small plates? We don’t do that over here. Get right out with your small plates business. Sharing food with your friends? We’ll have none of that commie European bullshit. I chatted to a guy at a coffee shop and when I told him I live in London, he went, “oh London huh? London, England or London, Kentucky?” Er… How about default London? The first London that comes to mind. Why would you name a town after a way better town it can never live up to? That’d be like me naming my kid Bruce Lee. And then going, “Oh you a fan of Bruce Lee huh? Enter the Dragon Bruce Lee? Or this kid drooling on his shirt Bruce Lee?”

I had a great time there, flew back, only to die horribly at a gig at a Butlin’s (Britain’s worst holiday resort). I think there are just some people in the UK I’ll never be able to entertain. That’s a story for another time. I’m working on material about that one Butlin’s gig so come check out a show if you want to hear what went down. I’m happy to still be alive.


Newsletter - March 2018 - Restaurant Reviews

Hello newsletter people! And also, welcome to the new joiners who signed up at my shows in London and Leicester! Hope you enjoyed the show. Before I jump into anything: tickets are on sale now for my show at Brighton fringe (24-26 May), please come if you live around that area! And as always I have gigs at other clubs on my site. And will be doing my first weekend at the London Comedy Store March 22-24. Exciting!

What a crazy week it’s been! Two storms hit the UK - Storm Emma and the Beast from the East (which will be my porn name if I ever pursue that field). With all the train delays and motorway closures I think the snow has wiped out half the British economy, but I find it’s also created so many more opportunities for small talk.

Oh recently I’ve started talking about this Malaysian restaurant that’s been getting horrible reviews in my set and I’ve gotten people asking me if it’s real. It is! Here’s a screenshot of some of the reviews:

This was where I discovered my different sensibilities as someone from Asia. I care the most about the food, everything else is secondary. So I read the reviews and went ok, but can someone review the food please? I know there are mice. I know it smells fishy. But was the food any good? Why review the toilets and the animals? You’re missing the point! Honestly if you told me a restaurant had amazing food, but I might have to put up with a mouse or two, I would probably still go. In Malaysia mice is how you gauge the quality of a restaurant. If you’re still in business even with rodents scurrying around, you know you have a Michelin star restaurant on your hands.

So many reviews complaining about mice! So Artur and Pin saw a mouse, left immediately, but still gave the restaurant 2 stars? Why 2 stars? If you were grossed out by a mouse surely you would’ve left the minimum 1 star review. What was the redeeming factor that made you give them an extra star? Was the mouse adorable? Did you enjoy the film Ratatouille?

Another fun story that made me chuckle recently:

If you run an Asian country, DO NOT fuck with rice. Everyone there owns rice cookers. (Yes, a rice cooker - my mother would NEVER make rice in a saucepan.) Most of us haven’t even heard about quinoa. He tried to remedy the situation by saying he’s eating quinoa for health reasons. But quinoa is also 30x the price in Malaysia. So saying you only eat quinoa now to stay healthy is basically saying, “you’re poor? Well enjoy feeding yourself poison! I, on the other hand, will be enjoying my nice Peruvian grain.”

Which reminds me, I do need to get a rice cooker for myself. I got myself a slow cooker that arrogantly bills itself as a multipurpose tool that’s also rice cooker but it can’t make rice to an Asian standard, not even close. Another time when I really wanted to get a rice cooker my wife and I got seduced by a shiny Le Creuset and we bought that instead. That’s what I’ll be getting myself for my birthday - a rice cooker. What would you like for your birthday present, Nigel? To not eat Uncle Ben’s instant rice anymore. No longer will I eat rice from a pouch! Oh god WHAT AN ABOMINATION. Every time I microwave Uncle Ben’s instant rice I can feel the disapproval of my ancestors. Respect the grain, people.


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