Newsletter - Jan 2018 - Cuba

Hello newsletter people and new joiners to my list! TLDR: See below for tickets to my solo (45-minute) standup shows, or read on to hear about my holiday to Cuba.

These solo shows are billed as Work in Progress shows on the website but it’s material I’ve been working on for a while. It’ll be good 🙂

London 3 Feb: Pleasance Theatre Islington

Leicester 20 Feb: Leicester Comedy Festival

Brighton 24-26 May: Brighton Fringe (tickets TBA)

If you want to see me in a club setting instead of a solo show, club gigs are here.

Happy New Year! Hope you had great holidays in the sun and not-too-severe sunburns. I just came back from my holiday in Cuba and boy was that a weird place.

Cuba was mostly fun. I say mostly because lots of things were quite frustrating, notably the lack of internet. To get online there you have to first buy an internet card from a government building, which usually has an hour-long line. Then you had to find a hotel or a park that has government-provided WIFI. Did you know that without internet all your smartphone is is a fancy alarm clock that counts your steps? I couldn’t even check whether it was going to rain later! And as someone who lives in the UK that just fills me with anxiety. I had to ask other people if it was going to rain, hoping that they either watched the weather channel or could feel changes of humidity in their bones. One time I asked a random Cuban if it was going to rain later that day and he closed his eyes, looked up into the sky and paused for 3 seconds. “No,” he said, “I don’t think so. I feel it’ll be sunny today.” Alright Mr. Meteorologist. What else did the clouds say to you?

People kept telling me before the trip that not having internet allows you to unplug and you can actually relax. I found that yeah sure you can unplug, but you can’t actually relax. Because anything you used to be able to achieve with a quick google search now involves asking PEOPLE. In their second language. AND if they get too friendly you worry they’re trying to rip you off. You can’t actually relax. Unplugging turned out to be way more exhausting. Keep me plugged in please.

Most things there are state-owned. Restaurants, grocery stores, local shops, etc. Which I guess in theory sounds like a great idea. But in reality, the service you get from those stores are hit and miss, and the food isn’t great. State owned businesses! Like imagine if the Job Centre ran a restaurant. I wouldn’t get brunch there. Also, food is rationed - each family is allowed like 20 eggs a month. I had to go to the black market just for some breakfast! It’s illegal to buy or sell food outside your quota. Imagine that! You could go to jail by dealing milk. My trip to Cuba made me appreciate British food. Bacon! Gravy! As much as you want! Oh you forgot toothpaste? Good luck with that. There’s no such thing as “let’s just pop down to Boots”. You gotta find a dingy looking government shop and hope you can get a small tube of Colgate for £8 a pop. Yeah they charge more for what they deem to be Western luxury items. I could go bankrupt just buying floss and soap.

My wife and I we got approached on the street quite a bit, which didn’t surprise me. For her, it’s mainly catcalls. She heard “Hola chica bonita!” (hello pretty lady in Spanish) a lot. As for me, what I got were them attempting to guess my nationality by going “Ni hao! Or is it konichiwa?” And when I tell them ni hao’s fine, they then try to sell me sunglasses or whores. Sunglasses I’ve seen before, but prostitutes? Right after a ni hao? That’s escalating a bit fast isn’t it? I had one guy say, “ni hao! Looking for a good time?”, and then pulled up a photo on his phone of a naked woman, “Cuban ladies, very good!” I wanted to ask him if those prostitutes were state-owned as well. If only I knew Spanish.

Oh oh before the trip even started I saw the most chilling thing on my travel insurance document

Transfer of ashes? I‘m glad it didn’t come to that! “How was Nigel’s holiday?” “He came back in an urn.” “Oh… I’m sorry.” “Well at least the postage was free.”

It was interesting to see a different part of the world that’s not the UK or Asia - I actually enjoyed most of it. But these little annoyances make me happy for life to be back to normal. Hopefully I’ll see you guys at one of my shows!


Newsletter - November 2017 - Dublin, Piracy

Hello newsletter people and new joiners to my list! TLDR: Scroll to the bottom of the email for show dates, or read through for my thoughts on Tayto park and foreign travel advice.

I gigged in Dublin back in September and found out about this amazing thing they have in Ireland - Tayto park. A potato theme park! With Europe’s largest wooden roller coaster. That to me was the most hilarious thing. I ran with the idea and performed it that night. Apologies for the shitty audio, it was recorded on my phone which was in my pocket. But it kinda has a bootleg quality so if I ever get big people can go, “Have you listen to the B-sides? Oh man you call yourself an Ng fan and you don’t know his tayto park bit?”

In other news, I’m going to Cuba in December. In preparation I did some quick googling for travel advice and found out has a foreign travel advice section. How convenient! So I clicked on it and boy do I regret it now. It’s like they don’t want people to travel at all! You know how when you google your symptoms on WebMD you get the most horrifying shit - maybe it’s a cold, maybe it’s cancer - well that seems to be what travel advice is, but for travel.

I thought their advice on Cuba was bad, until I googled Malaysia to see what the folk there had to say about it. Here are some of our sparkling reviews:

Terrorists are very likely to try to carry out attacks in Malaysia. Attacks could happen anywhere, including in places visited by foreigners.

There is a threat to foreigners of kidnapping and criminality off the East coast of Malaysia. A number of hostages have been murdered by the group

Incidents of bag snatching are common, including by thieves on motorbikes.

Piracy in South East Asian waters is an ongoing problem. There have been a number of attacks against ships in and around Malaysian waters

Wow. I didn’t know I’d been living in a terrorist/pirate war zone for my entire youth! They make it sound like it’s Zero Dark Thirty meets Captain Phillips out there. It’s not that bad, guys. Maybe the odd case of food poisoning, and a mosquito sting or two. Oh yeah mosquitoes have such a bad reputation here in the Western world. People here seem to think every mosquito carries all sorts of diseases like Dengue, Malaria, gout, but the reality is most mosquitoes are just harmless creatures trying to provide some human blood for their family. I’ve been stung by so many mosquitoes growing up it was just how life was. Sometimes I even see one on my skin, in the process of stinging me, and I just let it go on with its business. Live and let live.


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